i always wanted a girl who acts like Clementine from Eternal Sunshine, that personality i guess has always been my guilty pleasure i KNOW that its no good for me but its almost impossible for me to not like it and latch on to it. The free type of personality draws me closer, but i know i need a more stable person. I need one, but i dont want one. I use to have a free spirit but just like in the movie i became fearful of everything she did. i cared too much and that led to a panic and a rash decision on my part. I was afraid to be a little bit crazy because over the horizon i could see life start to loom overhead like storm clouds. i felt like i had to be responsible and i locked my spirit away, although i still loved you i ended up letting you go and i guess that ended up blowing up in my face after all, im sorry for what ive done. I really want a free-spirit in my life…Im Sorry Maria 

aka Puddles 

I live in sadness, i only vacation in happiness and delight.

I constantly feel bad. i hate myself and who i am. i stay so close to the line of suicide that you have to use algebra to tell us apart. I feel ugly and unnoticed 95% of the time and the other 5% i fell ignored. Until Tuesday, i felt like shit until i taught a line dance class to a classroom of k-5th graders. I taught them how to jerk( i hate myself cause of it) none of them felt comfortable with doing it, they didnt even want to try… but i taught them anyways….and it paid off. At the end of the class there was this tiny little girl who didnt have the confidence to say “hello” to me, she got up in her spotlight and showed me what i taught her. she danced her heart out and even though she stumbled here and there that was still the most stunning performance i had ever seen. It was beautiful because of her smile, throughout the entire dance she had this grand smile of accomplishment. In her eyes you could see that she didnt need anyones approval she was happy and content with herself. When i saw that face and i saw that i helped her get to that point i realized that THATS what i am missing. i crave love, i want a girlfriend mainly because i want to know that SOMEONE out there in this world looks at me and thinks im pretty enough to give a heart to, and WANTS to love me. However, i really just need to love myself, like she did…if only it were as easy as a dance though.